“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?