Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
You Might Also Like
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
what?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.