I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say