These aren’t even hard anymore.
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.