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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
craving $300 all of a sudden
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!