If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
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We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”