When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.