I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
They’re the worst 😩
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*Inspirational Tweets*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.