*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Important
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I know karate and tons of other words.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes