Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Dyslexics are teople poo!
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Body by cheese-puffs.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about