I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
🏙👨🏼
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Ain’t no way
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo