I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.