she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..