[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.