Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R