I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Every BBC series about the universe.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*