My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down