We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Pandas 🐼🖤
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*