Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
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me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church