life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED