Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I can also cook 😂
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.