ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
doing some research
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
i did the math
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*