-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
won’t smith
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks