my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.