If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
When I laugh on my period
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.