Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
You Might Also Like
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.