I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
An odd boast
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.