ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I think the cat got the dog high.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”