Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.