*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
me and who
Found the job I’m suited for
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
🍛
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.