Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Smells like a challenge to me
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
figuring out my emotional availability:
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.