My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
you’re so productive for your wage
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.