Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Put a ring on it
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
こいつ天才
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me, reading some of your tweets
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school