Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl