Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW