British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.