Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
You Might Also Like
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I love the honesty
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.