I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.