Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
the clam before the storm
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.