WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
my first day as a raccoon
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Anyone want a chair?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.