Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*