Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Sorry. Not sorry
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild