*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”