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I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
We need more people like this.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.