I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
no one ever comes back
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”