Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
my retirement plan is braless
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
.. do you even science?