Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster