What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
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ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.