True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
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*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.