This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu